


hold me, i'm fallin' apart

by infantblue



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, Canon Compliant, Falling In Love, M/M, Post-Time Skip, one-sided atsuhina
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:13:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25333714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infantblue/pseuds/infantblue
Summary: Love as a professional athlete is not as easy as you’d think.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 92
Kudos: 1102
Collections: HAIKYUU|HQ





	hold me, i'm fallin' apart

**Author's Note:**

> i had another fic scheduled today but then the japan national team roster was released this week, and i, like the rest of twitter, instantly burst into flames. this is very rushed and unedited and written before chapter 402 comes out so there might be some discrepancies with the ending, but i hope you enjoy it anyway <3

On the day of Hinata's flight, Kiyoomi wakes up alone in bed with nothing but a letter on the pillow next to him.

They already said their goodbyes last night, so Kiyoomi doesn't know why his chest feels so heavy. He knew this was coming. He mentally prepared for it for weeks. Though Hinata's decision to join a team abroad was abrupt, his move was not, and so Kiyoomi had a lot of time to strain his expression into one of careful acceptance instead of the loathing disdain that's been bubbling up underneath.

Before Hinata, Kiyoomi never would've found himself in this mess.

Before Hinata, he never would've fallen in love at all.

Sitting up stiffly, he rolls one bare shoulder then reaches for the folded piece of paper. It's nothing extravagant; Hinata has never been one for flowery words. He prefers to let his actions shine through, to encourage people through his kindness and radiant presence rather than fumbled words that could be misconstrued.

_I love you_ , the note says. _I'll miss you every day._

Kiyoomi is not a selfless person, but he really wishes he'd been selfish enough to ask Hinata to stay.

* * *

When Kiyoomi joins the Black Jackals, it's with three pieces of advice: keep Bokuto away from the kitchen, stay on Meian's good side, and don't flirt with Hinata Shouyou.

Even before Hinata is one of them, everyone knows about Atsumu's crush. He never shuts up about it. The fact that Kiyoomi and Hinata end up joining around the same time is just a coincidence, and the housing situation is a convenient reflection of that.

If Kiyoomi had any reservations about living with someone he used to think was careless, they're eliminated in that first week. Hinata hadn't just improved his skills on the court; he changed his whole _lifestyle_. The way he moves, the way he carries himself. There's a new confidence to his shoulders that Kiyoomi hadn't seen back in high school, and every action Hinata now takes is to improve his entire life so he can better play volleyball.

Hinata is kind. Hinata is calm. Hinata takes great care of his own health and the wellbeing of those around him.

The best spikers aren't just the ones with the most skill and power; they're also the ones who can best integrate with their teams, who can make anyone put their faith in him. And Hinata manages that best.

Kiyoomi knows he is not an easy person to get along with and he's even more difficult to live with, but Hinata falls into step by his side like he was always meant to be there, and somehow Kiyoomi comes to look forward to days off when they can spend time alone rather than dread the moments he can no longer cling to distractions.

Kiyoomi knows how Atsumu feels. He isn't blind to it.

He just never expected to fall, too.

*

"What do you see?" Hinata asks in a hushed whisper, as if anyone could possibly hear them out here, this late at night, lying on the small ledge outside Kiyoomi's bedroom window like they're on some sort of intergalactic picnic.

Kiyoomi makes a face. "I see stars." He never understood why people are so captivated by constellations. What's the point in actively trying to distinguish things that aren't there?

Hinata pouts. "You've got no imagination, Omi-san! C'mon, you don't see a single bird or a flower up there? A dog? Maybe even a bunny!"

"Do I look like the kind of person who sees bunnies when I look at shining dots in the sky?"

"You look _exactly_ like the kind of person who sees bunnies," Hinata says seriously, only to burst into adorable giggles when Kiyoomi gives him the glaring equivalent of a threat.

"Stop making fun of me or I'm going back inside."

"You're having way too much fun to go back inside." Then, with the attention span and wide-eyed wonder of a puppy, he gasps, "Oh, look, another plane!"

Kiyoomi sighs like he's a thousand years old, but he can't deny it's true.

Living with Hinata has just become a giant string of realizations that he's not nearly as ruthless as he thought he was. It's like his body is incapable of not indulging in Hinata's whims, even when they're silly things like cuddling on the couch while watching volleyball games together—"You're so warm, Omi-san! It really saves our heating bill!"—or stargazing on the shingled platform outside his room.

Kiyoomi grumbles and glares but never says no, and their other teammates are starting to notice. Now, whenever they need something from him, they make Hinata be the one to ask.

"Isn't it so pretty though?" Hinata is gushing. "I bet you can't see the stars like this at all in Tokyo!"

Kiyoomi wouldn't know. He never paid attention before.

"Hey, Omi-san?"

"What," he says flatly, then inwardly flinches at his tone. Despite how weak he is at resisting Hinata, Kiyoomi can never seem to be nice about it, no matter how much he hates being mean to this bright, tiny boy who seems intent on lighting up the world.

But Hinata only smiles and gently hooks his pinky through Kiyoomi's, his cheeks somehow glowing in the darkness, something Kiyoomi can easily recognize because his are, too. "Nothing," he says shyly. "I'm just really happy you're here."

*

"I'm gonna ask him out today," Atsumu announces in the changeroom, and Kiyoomi fails not to flinch.

There is only one person he could be talking about.

Kiyoomi glares holes into his locker and wishes he'd finished getting ready sooner.

Meian snorts as he shrugs on his gym shirt. "I'll believe it when I see it."

"I'm serious," Atsumu insists. "Right after practice, I'll ask him. Invite him to have dinner with me."

"Chickening out and blurting 'as a team' afterwards doesn't count," Meian says wryly. This is something that happens often. Everyone eats well on these days because they've all started bullying Atsumu into paying since he's the reason they're forced to go out in the first place.

"S-shut up! Those were just warm-ups! And anyway, I heard through the grapevine that Shouyou-kun likes somebody, so it has to be me, right? I mean, who else does he spend time with on the team?"

Out of the corner of his eye, Kiyoomi can see Inunaki turn to him, but he focuses deliberately on dressing for practice, his movements stiff and agitated.

Eventually, everyone else finishes and heads out to the gym, half of them teasing Atsumu about his total lack of cool whenever Hinata is around and the other half putting down wagers on whether or not he'll actually follow through. But Kiyoomi moves slow, and Inunaki also fidgets through his bag, remaining behind.

"You're an idiot," Inunaki says.

Kiyoomi does not disagree.

*

That night, Kiyoomi fully expects to head home alone.

Instead, Hinata makes his favorite meal and helps Kiyoomi with the laundry. They bicker over an Italian volleyball game; Hinata smiles brightly at every unkind thing Kiyoomi says. It's so terribly mundane and domestic, and Kiyoomi feels so warm inside he could burst.

Hinata doesn't mention Atsumu.

Kiyoomi doesn't ask.

*

Atsumu doesn't hit him when he figures it out, but he does get upset.

"I've been talking about how I felt for _months_ ," Atsumu cries out. "Months! And you never _said_ anything!"

"I didn't—" Kiyoomi cuts off before he can choke on the words, feeling suffocated by his own lungs, his throat, his heart.

"You didn't what?" Atsumu yells. "It's not like you didn't know how he felt about you—"

Kiyoomi's jaw ticks, almost imperceptibly, but Atsumu is a man of many details and he does not miss this one. His anger deflates in an instant.

"Holy shit," he says, stunned. "You… You really didn't know. You had no idea." Then, voice growing strange, he breathes slowly, "Because you love him, too."

When Kiyoomi doesn't answer, just continues to glare at the wall, he can feel all the fight leave Atsumu's body as he slumps against the bench. It's like all the energy was ripped straight from his knees. For a long moment, neither of them speaks.

Then, with his voice rough and quieter than Kiyoomi's ever heard it, Atsumu says, "I'll hate you for being with him; I'm not a big enough person not to. But I'll hate you even more if you mess up this shot. So don't."

"I—don't know how," Kiyoomi says, throat choked. "To… feel this way."

"No one does."

*

It takes Kiyoomi two more weeks to work up the nerve to kiss him, but the look on Hinata's face when he does—beautiful and bright, so filled with blushing awe and warm hopefulness—makes everything worth it.

*

Not much changes to their schedule.

They wake up, like they always do. Hinata makes breakfast, like he always does. They go to practice, they come home, they cook and clean and Hinata smiles so bright at everything Kiyoomi does, like somehow _Kiyoomi_ is the shining center of his universe instead of the other way around. It's so impossible and ass-backwards yet Kiyoomi can't help but feel warm anyway.

Sometimes they go on dates. Never to the movies or fancy dinners—Hinata knows Kiyoomi hates that kind of stuff, knows they make him anxious—but little things, like picnics in empty parks and late night strolls for frozen yogurt, Hinata teasing Kiyoomi for his very boring taste in toppings every time.

But then night comes and they always forget Hinata's bed exists, instead crowding on Kiyoomi's mattress, hopelessly entangled, with Hinata making the sweetest sounds from the sweetest lips.

Kiyoomi loves him. He loves him so much.

And it almost seems like a dream, like something far too good to be true, that Hinata beams at him back, cheeks so perfectly pink, eyes so wonderfully soft, as he tells Kiyoomi he loves him, too.

*

But of course good things never last. Kiyoomi's life doesn't work out that way.

Hinata gets the offer after a game, from a man in a suit with a face Kiyoomi instantly wants to punch. A Brazilian team is looking for an international Japanese player.

And they want _him_.

Kiyoomi and Hinata don't talk about it directly, but that night their kisses are far more desperate and Kiyoomi holds him even tighter, unwilling to let go.

*

"You're going."

"Yes."

*

"When?"

"Two more weeks."

*

"Do you love me?"

_Always_.

*

"We're breaking up, aren't we."

Hinata always looks so beautiful and otherworldly. Even when he cries.

Kiyoomi stares ahead. He tells himself he's not crying, but the world is blurry. His chin rests on the top of Hinata's head—soft, too soft, he's not ready to lose this, not yet—and he whispers, "Yeah. We are."

* * *

Kiyoomi plays hard. They win games. Emotions are awful but a routine keeps him grounded, so he cleans even more and works even harder and he can tell his teammates are concerned.

"Maybe you should take a break," Meian says during practice when Kiyoomi spikes a ball so hard it bounces onto the stands.

"I don't need a break." Hinata wouldn't have needed one, and there's no way in hell Kiyoomi's letting Hinata beat him when he's not even here.

Meian's expression is unreadable yet stern. "Let me phrase this another way. Take a break. _Now_."

*

"It's your own fault, for letting him go," Atsumu says.

Kiyoomi's not sure who throws the first punch, but suddenly he and Atsumu are on the ground fighting, having to be yanked apart by their teammates before Kiyoomi breaks his fists and Atsumu breaks his face.

This is the brawl they never had when Atsumu found out Kiyoomi betrayed him, and Kiyoomi only realizes later that this had been on purpose. Atsumu riled him up to help Kiyoomi lose some steam. To focus that anger on another outlet instead of on the boy he doesn't want to resent for leaving him behind.

Kiyoomi hates that Atsumu is the better person. This is not an epiphany he ever needed to have.

*

Their apartment feels cold and empty without Hinata in it, but he can't bring himself to move. Some days he just spends hours sitting in Hinata's old room, which is silly because even before he left the country, neither of them had used it in months—but still. It's almost cathartic, somehow. To be in there.

Hinata's smell has started to fade from the sheets. Kiyoomi hates it. He hates everything.

He wishes he never felt this way at all.

*

"I miss him," Kiyoomi chokes out.

Inunaki rests one hand on his head, something that is only possible because Kiyoomi is curled up on the floor, back against the wall, knees tucked close to his chest. His expression is sad. "I know."

* * *

They both make the national team. This isn't a surprise.

Kiyoomi spends entire weeks trying to harden his resolve so he doesn't collapse the moment they see each other.

Atsumu thinks he's an idiot.

"You have a chance to play on the same team as Shouyou-kun again and you wanna fucking waste it. How pathetic can you be? Are you really that fucking scared?"

Yes. Kiyoomi is.

* * *

Kiyoomi is seventeen, and he sees a boy with orange hair collapse on the court in the middle of a heated game.

_How mindless_ , he thinks. _He's never going to make it anywhere if he doesn't learn to take care of himself._

* * *

Kiyoomi is twenty-five, and he watches the same boy dominate on a stage occupied only by the best.

Even in an event such as this, one that gathers all the greatest players in the world, Hinata is radiant. He draws all eyes to him and plays like the sun. He's so good, so bright, so fucking _happy_ to be there that any building bitterness Kiyoomi couldn't help but feel after Hinata left him immediately washes away.

It's what he deserves, to be this good. To be free. To play on a stage this elite and _know_ he belongs there.

Kiyoomi managed to hold his ground during training camps, during exhibition matches, during long nights of group outings and team chaos and shy looks across the room with cheeks flushed so lovely and pink.

His resolve was strong then. He didn't want to be a distraction. He was terrified to ask. Even more afraid to lose.

But Kiyoomi has grown, too. He's always known what he wanted.

And he's no longer scared to hold onto it.

*

"Omi-san?"

"Yeah?"

A gentle kiss, sweeter than starlight. "Let's go home."

**Author's Note:**

> i know all our hearts are broken over the impending e-word this weekend, but i promise none of us will stop loving these perfect boys for a second (nor will we stop creating content for them), so to us, they’ll be forever
> 
> thank you for always being so kind with your hearts and comments and encouragements! you truly make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world <3 
> 
> twt: [@infantbluee](https://twitter.com/infantbluee)


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